A Different Kind of Father’s Day: Nurturing Mindfulness and Care in the Garden
On Mother’s day, I found myself at my local garden center, where I like to spend the holiday. In fact, my only request each Mother’s Day is to spend some time picking out plants and then finding a home for them in my garden. On this particular Sunday, I overheard another mom talking with her children, beaming as she told them how the garden was her “happy place.” Her delight was contagious, and the children skipped off, eagerly pointing out their favorite blooms, asking if they too could take a plant home. There are many ways that gardening mirrors care work. Variations of this scene played out all around me, moms both wanting to and getting to spend the holiday here amongst the teeming plant life. I wondered if the store would look the same in just a few weeks, when Father’s Day rolled around. I hoped that it would. Benefits of Gardening There are many ways that gardening mirrors care work. Anyone who has spent an afternoon weeding knows that it can be a thankless task, and that nurturing a seed as it grows into its fullest expression requires patience, consistency, resilience, hope, and a bit of luck. In nature, as in parenthood, awe and beauty proliferate in the process, rather than at any predetermined end point. There is an adage among parents that parenting often involves more of the joy-fun than the fun-fun, meaning it can be deeply rewarding and fulfilling, but doesn’t always provide immediate gratification. This is of course true in the garden, too. A fig tree seedling doesn’t immediately bear fruit. An asparagus plant requires three years to root and mature before it is ready for harvest. In nature, as in parenthood, awe and beauty proliferate in the process, rather than at any predetermined end point. Practices that cultivate experiences of awe and an appreciation of beauty positively impact wellbeing. If you ask someone about their most recent experience of awe (which I suggest you do!), they might share a moment in nature: a shooting star in the otherwise inky black sky, the appearance of a rainbow shimmering overhead on an anniversary of a loved one’s passing, the discovery of a robin’s perfectly pale blue eggs. Or, chances are, they will share a moment with a child: a first step, a dimpled smile, a birth. Like any mental muscle, we can train ourselves to look for these moments. Often, all we have to do is step outside. Gardening is an investment in something that needs nurturing. It requires taking seriously the commitment to care for a living thing. Studies have shown that gardening has a positive impact on health and wellbeing. Simply spending time in green spaces can measurably reduce stress levels. Time in nature gives our brain an opportunity to engage in what’s called “soft fascination,” a diffuse attentional state in which the brain, freed of an immediate task-demand, can experience relaxation, make new connections, and restore attention. Most of us have had the experience of going on a walk and suddenly coming up with a solution to a previously unsolvable problem or – less dramatically but equally important – returning to our desk feeling refreshed and in a better mood. Parenting is demanding of many resources, not the least of which is attention. As parental stress and the demands of modern parenting increase, it is more and more pressing to identify both sustainable and accessible practices of stress management. Gardens can offer a built-in salve. Further, while gardening can be a quiet, restorative, individual activity, gardening communities abound in the form of CSAs, urban gardens, plant shares, and seed libraries, suggesting that gardening can also feed the social brain. Leisure activities that foster social connection have a particular impact on happiness (the fun-fun!). And, in parenting, having a strong social network is a protective factor for overall health. There’s something else that differentiates gardening from other activities in nature, though. In fact, fathers who act as primary caregivers experience many of the physiological brain changes previously associated with biological mothers, such as changes in grey matter and restructuring of emotional processing centers of the brain. Gardening is an investment in something that needs nurturing. It requires taking seriously the commitment to care for a living thing. It is what gardening represents—about who wants to, gets to, and needs to care for our environment and our fellow human beings, about who enjoys cultivating beauty, about who has the capacity to be patient, gentle, and tender—that makes it a particularly poignant activity for fathers. Dads as Essential Caregivers There has been a historic gap in research on fathers’ experiences of parenthood. In her book, Dad Brain, Darcy Saxbe explains how new studies at the intersection of neuroscience and psychology reveal how all of us—not just moms—are predisposed for caretaking. This shows up in the form of neural circuitry that is activated by the act of caretaking, not simply, or even solely reliant upon, experiences of pregnancy and birth. In fact, fathers who act as primary caregivers experience many of the physiological brain changes previously associated with biological mothers, such as changes in grey matter and restructuring of emotional processing centers of the brain. Fathers have much to gain from their role as caregivers. The majority of fathers report deriving significant meaning and feelings of purpose from parenthood. Interestingly—and maybe unsurprisingly—dads who act as primary caregivers also seem to be more vulnerable to the mental health challenges associated with modern parenthood. They, like all parents, need support and access to tools and practices that promote wellbeing. Gardening, with its overall benefit to wellbeing, quality of life, and health, is one such example. In order to meaningfully encourage this we must first acknowledge—and even better, celebrate—fathers’ capacity to nurture, shepherd, and cultivate. When we take a father’s role as a caregiver seriously, we not only bolster support systems for children, we also more effectively honor the challenges and benefits of carework in general. Father’s Day is…
